Be Thou My Vision

"Be thou my vision O Lord of my heart
 Nought be all else, save that Thou art
 Thou my best thought, by day or by night
 Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light"

Be Thou My Vision is possibly one of the oldest and most sung hymns by Christians. So old in fact that it has become more ceremonially sung rather than being sung from the heart. I know that I am guilty of simply looking at the words and just saying them in time and pitch to whoever is playing it at that particular time. The words come out and sure they may sound good but they are lies when they are not coming from the heart. How can I truthfully sing "Be thou my vision O Lord of my heart" without having my heart in the equation. It's impossible. It's a paradox of sorts. But this worshiping from the heart rant is not where I am intending to go with this blog.

This past weekend I went with thirteen others from Williams Baptist College on a ministry retreat at Spring Lake Camp in Hot Springs, AR. When I was informed of this retreat, initially, my first thought was, "Sweet!! I get to hang out with my friends again. We are going to have so much fun!" Not that it is bad for me to want to see my friends from school and have fun but my heart was not in the right place to start off this retreat. Most of us met at the school on Friday and then packed up the van and headed off on our three hour journey.

Let me point out something before I go any further with this. The people who were on this ministry team retreat weren't exactly the people that I hang out with all of the time. They were the people that I said a nice courtesy greeting to in passing but never really talked to, much less hung out with. I know, I know, how stuck up of me, but hey I am just being honest. I learned my lesson just keep reading.

Anyway, we made a stop in Little Rock on our way to the camp in order to get some coffee and stretch our legs. I ordered my drink, treating the place just like I would Starbucks. Wrong move. My "regular" Starbucks drink was not the same without the Starbucks name brand behind it. But I didn't waste it. I drank it and I was thankful for the boost of energy even if my taste buds were upset with me. After we had all gotten our caffeine kick we started to load up once more. I ended up riding the rest of the way with one of my fellow singers, Tyler Lee, along with Becca Cato and RJ Platz who had sat with me on the van. We had some really great conversations and good laughs on the ride to camp, which brightened my mood a bit.

Once we arrived at camp, we all came to the same realization. No one had cellular service anywhere on the camp grounds. Now if it were my parents and their generation, they would have been fine and probably would have embraced such a terrible thing. We twenty-somethings though had to take a bit to cope with it. After coming to terms with the fact that I would not have my phone for three days really I simply laid it on my bunk and left it alone.

We opened up our retreat with a session that introduced what we would be talking about for the rest of the weekend and got us started on the planning process for each of our ministries for the coming year. Up to this point my mind had been more focused on the fun that I was going to have on this retreat. After letting my mind wander for a bit I came back in with the discussion on what the school's new mission statement was. How should I know? I never really paid attention in my freshman orientation class. But we finally figured it out and since that mystery was solved I was about to tune out for the remainder of the session. However, our campus minster, Josh, posed a question at the end of that first session that really made me stop and think and refocus. What is your personal mission statement?

We all split off into different corners of the room and were given ten minutes to contemplate what our personal mission statement might contain. First off ten minutes isn't nearly long enough to contemplate the purpose of my life. And secondly, how was this supposed to help me help others? But much to my surprise as soon as I focused on what I was supposed to be doing the ideas and thoughts started to spill out onto my notepad. I realized I knew a little bit more about my purpose than I had previously thought. That gave me a little bit better insight on who I wanted to be and who I was created to be. My flesh continued to get in the way though and the excitement that I had felt at finding a little more of my purpose vanished.

After the session, most of the guys started to cook dinner. I stuck with the girls because I was probably the only male with little to no cooking skill. The girls taught me how to play Brazilian Uno which is probably one of the most stressful card games you could ever play. And after getting my dignity knocked down about five notches I decided that it was time to get some food and relax. Following dinner we were supposed to go down to the campfire and have worship and smores. I was being kind of whiny and didn't want to walk all the way down to the pond and sit by a hot fire in the middle of August, but I decided to buck up and do it anyway. Once we had all settled in and started sweating the worship began. RJ and Tyler led worship for us. We went through the first song which I just hummed through since I didn't know the words at all. Next was "Be Thou My Vision". Woohoo. The same old song that all good Baptist worship services contain. We started singing and for some reason I felt a shift in my entire being. I looked around me and though I couldn't see anyone else's face...I could feel the heartfelt cry of their hearts singing to God. It was like a kick in the chest. I realized how selfish and stupid I had been up to this point. I had been focused on having some fun. I had been complaining that none of my regular friends had come to the retreat and that I was going with a bunch of people that I didn't really know. And I was not meaning a word of the song. I evaluated all of this as the second verse went on and then when the chorus started I silently cried to myself..."O God be my everything, be my delight. Be Jesus my glory, my soul satisfied." Those words rung true throughout my entire being. The devotion that all of the leaders around me were showing had touched me and moved me so much that I allowed God to take hold and help me mean the words that were passing through my lips. As we finished singing the song, I went silent. In that little campfire worship session, I realized why I was there. First of all, God had a job for me to do and he was not going to let me go into it being complacent as I was. Secondly, I was chosen to be a leader on a ministry team with these other leaders not only to reach out to others, but to get to know my fellow leaders' hearts and connect with them as well.

Yeah I was kind of a punk at the start of the weekend. But as the weekend progressed, I started to truly listen and pay attention to what God had for me to do there. I bonded with these other leaders who I had steered clear of before and found out that they had beautiful hearts that burned for the mission ahead of them. And as we all got to know each other better and planned out our work for the year I found myself having a lot of fun just fellowshipping with all of them.

I went into the weekend with only one selfish vision. But when I came home, I had a new vision. And it was not mine, but His.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jEuPIahKSw

Windows To The Past

It looks like I haven't been very active at all for the past few months. Nothing to report. Just life going by without so much to talk about. People. Places. Experiences. All passing by. Becoming nothing but faint memories that pass away in time. I know this sounds really morbid but I promise it is only for effect that I say such things.

The past year, well, the past three years really have all been a huge adventure. With everything in life changing it seems that these past three years have passed without a chance for me to catch my breath. I've seen so many different places. Experienced both wonderful and dreadful things. And. I have had people walk into my life and others run away. All of these things for an amazing adventure. And while I have made some new discoveries along the way, there are some things that I just have to hold on to.

You see, as we grow and change and start to figure out who we are, we discard parts of the past that we no longer associate with. Much like a hoarder that stashes away various objects, we run out of "rooms" to store everything. Sometimes, throwing out the old parts that we simply have no use for is tough. But when we are rummaging through the parts of ourselves, we have to be careful not to toss out parts that are still useful. Sure, these things are from the past. Why shouldn't we just throw them away? They are no longer relevant...or are they?

Throughout this journey of life, I lost sight of where I had come from. I forgot the person I used to be almost completely. I lost sight of who I had wanted to be at one time. Settling in to a stagnate life with no memories of advancement and no hope for the future. As I started to collect dust like some antique on a shelf, I was picked up and someones mighty breath blew the corrosion from all about me. Memories started to race back into me with one gentle phrase echoing through the corridors of my mind, "It is good that you have continued to move on, but do do not forget where you came from."

When we forget what we used to be completely, where we are now loses its value, and the future that is in store for us loses a little of its grandeur. Where did you come from? What did you escape? Who helped you along the way? These memories that still exist inside you, don't forfeit them. Keep them. Renew them occasionally. They will keep you humble. They will keep you honest. They will help mold you into the creation that you were always destined to be.

To My "People"

You hurt, I feel the pain
You are alone, I know the longing that you seek
You are rejected, I know your suffering
You are hated, I feel the sting that is new with each blow
I know because I am
I feel because I am
I am the same as you
The separation between us though...
I love the God who hasn't changed me
I live for the one that it is hardest to live for
I worship the man whose followers ridicule me

A Lesson Learned

Something that I long to do is to be consistent.
I find that consistency is a hard thing to find in people.
They are one way in one group of people and then a completely different way with another group.
This is what is called leading a double life.
What I have learned is that, in leading a double life, the two separate lives will collide at some point.
You may do everything in your power to keep them separate.
They will meet though.
And at their collision, they will cause tremendous damage.
It hurts not only you, but anyone who is involved in either life you choose to lead.
Scars are carved.
Pain is dealt.
To avoid this catastrophe I will try my best to remain constant.
Be who you are created to be in front of all people.
Not one person.
Not a few.
Not a group even.
To all, be the same.
Be yourself at all times.

Middle Ground

#ThrowbackThursdayBlog
I know this is untraditional to do in a blog but get over it this is my space on the web and I will do what I please.

"You accept darkness,
But choose to live in the light.
That you loathe us
Who teeter on the edge of nothing?
We who were turned away by both
Light and Dark--
We who were never given a choice.
We fight for what is just
But are neither praised by the Light
Nor are we pursued by the Dark.
Where in this cold world,
Do we fit in?"

The Hiding Place

Today in World Lit. II our professor went off on a tangent about couplets. As I sat there my mind started to wander and my thoughts gradually jumped on the back of my notes:

You see my face,
You see this mask,
So many questions you do ask;
Who are you?
That is the question
Which best suits my expression;
I do not know
Would be the answer,
Avoidance is my game just like some dancer;
I hide my identity
For myself, from others
Who knows me but the closest of brothers;
My God,
He knows with fullest clarity,
The secret to my flawed humanity;
I am content
That so few know my true being;
Blind eyes may continue, unseeing.

Granted my grammar and rhyming aren't the best, but it has served its purpose. My mind is now less crowded.

The Leech Called Life

I am a dreamer. I have been all of my life. My dreams are big. My dreams are extravagant. My dreams are intricate. But who is to say that my dreams are unrealistic? Unreachable? Larger than life? No one. No one but God has that kind of authority over me. So many times life comes in and tries to sabotage my dreams. People will look at me and say:

"You're too young..."

"You're too small..."

"You're too weak..."

"You're too inexperienced..."

"You're too loud..."

"You're too sensitive..."

What are these things? Excuses. Nothing but excuses for me to be "normal" like the rest of the people in the world. Excuses that will make me blend in with the rest of this hum drum society. I don't want to be like everyone else. I don't want a normal job with a normal house and a normal family. I want to be different. The only people who make a difference in the world are "different". I want to break the mold of normalcy. Life wants me to be something practical like an accountant, I want to be something creative like a musician. Life wants me to settle down and marry, I want to travel and see the world. Just because I live in this world doesn't mean that I have to do whatever people expect or think. And I more than likely won't.